that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Everyone says I win the strip club
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
