I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
