i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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