So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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