After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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