We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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