I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you never un-have a 4some
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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