New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
