I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
