I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
