Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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