You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
