apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
