i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
