I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
