I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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