I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
