ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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