I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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