my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
