Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
