Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
