I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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