On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
