hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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