we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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