Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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