i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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