so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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