Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
