I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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