tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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