just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
