I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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