I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
