I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
