Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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