I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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