my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
