Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
