She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
