Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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