he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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