Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
