soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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