She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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