I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
