Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
