I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That accounts for only three of the penises
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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