His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good