It's Friday. Sex?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
