He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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