if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
