i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
