I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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