his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
