You really coming over, don't trick.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
