She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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