You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
