You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
